Lesson #11: How to tell if someone is a vampire.

Living in New Orleans, zombies and vampires are both serious threats.  And its very easy for zombies and vampires to blend in to the insanity hear, looking just like everyone else.  This lesson helps prevent any problems with vampires before they start.  First, assess any possible signs of vampirism, like pale skin or pointy teeth.  In the case of Muppet vampires, look for pinkish/purple-ish skin and pointy ears. Muppet vampires actually come from the planet Vulcan.  Also check if the person seems awfully interested in blood.  Dexter on Dexter would be a strong candidate for vampirism, despite his golden tan.

The big test, however, occurs in the doorway to your house.  If someone knocks on your door, and you think the person may be a vampire, just leave the door open and walk into your kitchen.  If the person follows, he or she is just rude, but not a vampire.  If the person just stands at the door, waiting for you to invite her or him in, the person may be a vampire.  In order to prevent vampire violence, it is best to never invite anyone in, not even Muppets.

Count Von Count, a flexible vampire

Lesson #10: In space, no one can hear your explosions.

This is not a lesson by me, but another one I found on the web.  I thought Sci-Fi Lessons readers might love this comic.  Enjoy!

Lesson #9: Most aliens are bipedal.

The Breen from Star Trek

Along with speaking English, most intelligent aliens look a remarkable amount like humans.  It is amazing that creatures developed so similarly, even though we lived in different planets and different galaxies.  Even the Breen, a species in Star Trek whose bodies are never seen except completely encased in suits, are bipedal.  The Breen are mysterious, with only guesses regarding why they were the suits and what they look like underneath.  They seem so foreign, yet at the same time, so similar in their two-legged-ness.  Not only are they bipedal, but like humans, they also have two arms and one head.  I know that the Alien Actors Guild (AAG!) only allows bipedal aliens to join, making it extremely difficult for film or television to employ non-bipedal creatures.  However, producers could make more effort towards equal representation of the non-bipedal variety.

Jabba the Hut from Star Wars

Most of the time, creatures with more or less than two legs have only served as peripheral characters in film and television, barely seen at all. When they are present, they are often evil villains, like Jabba the Hut in Star Wars. Jabba was very resistant to taking the role at all, but claimed that even a negative presence in the media was better than no visibility for his species.  Jabba has not only had to overcome earthlings’ bias towards the non-legged, but also bias towards his glandular disorder and weight issues.

Pilot from Farscape

Farscape does the best job so far on Earth at including aliens with multiple extremities in major and positive roles.  Pilot is one of the few non-bipedal aliens to serve as a main character.  Moya, the spaceship, is also without legs, although with great propulsion, and is a major element in the show.  Indeed, the series could not exist without some form of Moya.  I hope she asked for a raise.   Although Rygel XVI isn’t exactly without two legs, the fact that the deposed Hynerian leader flies around on his Thronesled most of the time, rarely walking or showing his legs, makes him appear non-bipedal at times.

Shows are making progress towards the inclusion of more or less legs.  However, it will be a long time before the leggy or leggless creatures feel accepted in the hearts of earthlings.

Lesson #8: Zombies come in two speeds: slow and fast.

I never feared an imminent zombie attack until I moved to New Orleans.  With an above ground cemetary only blocks away, the zombies can simply walk out of their graves rather than making the effort to dig out of many feet of dirt.  However, I’m in luck, because the zombies that come out of graves only come in “slow.”  It would be far worse if there were a viral outbreak, which tends to produce the “fast” zombies.

A slow zombie from Night of the Living Dead

Slow zombies don’t seem too scary.  They are unending in their persistence and desire for human brains, but nonetheless, they’re slow.  Avoid wearing anything that could make you trip, and you should be okay.  Of course, the streets and sidewalks in New Orleans are so messed up that I might not be able to make it very far.  The only frightening part of slow zombies is their numbers and relentless pursuit.  Even a lone hand, cut off from its owner, could pose a threat.  If slow zombies come at you from all angles and there are enough of them, you had better be armed with a shotgun.  Fire and explosives are also an option.  If you fear zombies entering your house, you may want to keep these items under your bed.

Fast zombies have a less refined palate and will eat any part of the human, not just the brains.  Perhaps their enhanced speed comes from their more varied diet.  Fast zombies often are a horror made by humans and thus punishing us for our scientific arrogance.  They generally come from some sort of scientific advancement gone wrong, like a vaccine in I Am Legend or the T-virus in  Resident Evil.

Of course, the two speeds of zombies are not this simple.  There are fast zombies with a particular taste for brains. There are slow zombies formed by viruses.  But there is one constant in dealing with zombies: Aim for the head.

Lesson #7: The cuter something is, the more dangerous it may be.

It seems that characters in sci-fi programs have not caught on to this one yet, as they keep being drawn in by the lure of cuddly creatures.  Tribbles in Star Trek (and again in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine), Gremlins, Ewoks in Star Wars, Nibbler in Futurama, and the newest adorable killer critter: Nubbins in Sci Fi Channel’s Sanctuary all have wrought havoc on those investigating new phenomena.  Galaxy Quest even paradied this lesson for those who still hadn’t learned it. Nubbins and Gremlins have overdone neotony, with their huge eyes and infant-like features and proportions lulling us into parental roles.  We almost have no choice.  It’s instinctual to love them, so we understand the failings of the characters to recognize the potential danger of our most huggable friends.

Of course, no fuzzy, cute animal is evil in it’s own right.  Instead, it is either incorrectly cared for or just trying to survive.  The rules of caring for these creatures are so vague it’s easy to mess them up.  When exactly can you feed a Gremlin?  Isn’t it always after midnight?  Between midnight and what can’t you feed them?  Can you feed them at 6 a.m.?  No one wanted Gizmo to spawn or potentially turn mean, the rules are just really vague, with no consequences given. Other cuddlies, like Nubbins and Tribbles, are just trying to survive. They don’t want to harm people or equipment, they just do.

The message of sci-fi is clear: Nothing that adorable can really be “evil” in any universe.  However, this level of cuteness is dangerous, working on the human and bipedal alien psyches to calm and comfort us, causing us to ignore potential dangers.  Be alert when surrounded by adorables.  Behold that golden retriever puppy with suspicion. Question its motives.  And never, ever feed it after midnight.

The sweetest creature of them all, Gizmo from Gremlins.

Lesson #6: Sci-Fi has a complex relationship to black leather.

John Crichton in Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars. He was in all black leather by Season 3 of Farscape.

This lesson is hard to explain, as it is nuanced and complex. Often, the longer a sci fi show has been on the air, the more black leather is involved. John Crichton (Ben Browder) on Farscape began the series in a U.S. space suit. However, he gradually wore more and more black leather as the series went on until he was completely in black leather by the end of the series. Similarly, Jeremiah (Luke Perry) in Jeremiah was eventually in black leather pants. It is another question how those black leather pants were made in this post-apocalyptic world. In Stargate Atlantis, Dr. Jennifer Keller (Jewel Staite) wears a black-leather fitted jacket, almost at all times. These are all “good” people (if sci-fi teaches anything, it’s that it’s very easy to tell the difference between “good” and “evil”) and also “hot” people. Only good characters played by hot people are eventually wardrobed in black leather (they weren’t wearing black leather previously but are costumed in it later). A non-hot person in black leather is a strong signifier that the audience should consider that character a “bad” person.

There are also plenty of “bad” people who wear black leather. While the hero in Farscape eventually wore more and more black leather (perhaps he became badder and badder and also hotter and hotter), the villains or potential villains came decked out in it, such as Aeryn Sun (Claudia Black) and Scorpius (Wayne Pygram). However, Aeryn Sun was also a hot person, not just a bad person. Therefore, the relationship between goodness, badness, hotness, and black leather becomes even more complicated. The Wraith, the first villains in Stargate Atlantis, wear head-to-toe black leather. They’re very bad, and not very hot. So I’ll summarize this complex relationship with the following equations:

Black leather + not hot = bad.
Black leather + hot = good or bad.
Good + (now in black leather but not previously in black leather) = hot

Lesson #5: What to do when I accidentally become invisible.

This appears to be a serious problem in science fiction. Accidentally becoming invisible is very different from becoming invisible on purpose, such as Harry Potter with his cloak of invisibility. When someone becomes invisible intentionally, usually the person knows how to become visible again. In sci fi, accidental invisibility is usually termed “out-of-phase.” When one is “out-of-phase,” the person cannot affect the world around her or him. Therefore, eventually the person will die of starvation and dehydration if the problem isn’t fixed. This is serious. Somehow, the out-of-phase-ees pass right through all matter, including walls, but do not pass through floors. Physicists are looking into the bizarre properties of floors which make them impermeable to those out-of-phase.

Make friends with Data, the clever one.

If this happened to you, what would you do? Since I could not affect the world around me, I would not be able to tell anyone that I was still there, instead of the common assumption that I was eaten by a space monster or vanished into a black hole. There seem to be two options in this case. First, I would take a look at the device I was messing with when I first became invisible. I may discover that it has some sort of interface to allow the out-of-phase to communicate with those in-phase. I may be able to see an entire display that those in-phase cannot see, like in Stargate SG-1. Usually, however, it will be written in an obscure alien language which I do not know. You may want to study up on alien languages in case this scenario happens, like Daniel Jackson. The device may allow some sort of direct communication with the in-phase world. In which case, if I can just get someone to look at the device, I’m saved.

In the event the device does not allow any communication, I really only have one option: hope I have smart friends. In general, surround yourself with brilliant people who will be able to figure out and fix the problem should this happen. If possible, make friends with an android. They seem to be good at deduction, like Data in Star Trek: The Next Generation. Secondly, be consistent and reliable. If you are an unreliable person in general, people will assume you just didn’t show up. However, if an otherwise reliable person fails to appear, intelligent people will think that maybe, just maybe, you’re out-of-phase. They are your only hope.

Lesson#4: Mutants are hip.

Sexy Mutant! Rogue from X-Men

Popular culture seems obsessed with mutants. We’ve come a long way from The Elephant Man, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Mask, or The Great Mutato in The X-Files, as mutants have campaigned for better representation in the media. No longer media figures that teach the rest of us empathy and the value of humanity, mutants can now be sexy, beautiful, powerful, and enviable. There appears to be a strong divide between “good” mutants or “bad” mutants, meaning those who use their powers to help others versus those who become crazed with power, but “sad” mutants don’t really appear to be pop culture figures anymore (with the possibly exception of Rogue from X-Men). Mutants are now so desirable and hip that people are trying to make everyone mutants, from Mohinder in Heroes to Jordan Collier in The 4400. Mutant powers come from a variety of sources, including the ambiguous “future” in The 4400 who introduced an entirely new neurotransmitter, random genetic mutations in X-Men, genetically born with extra midi-chlorians in Star Wars (making some people seriously force-sensitive), and something to do with the adrenal gland in Heroes. Of course, we’re all actually mutants, but given that a large chunk of the U.S. public doesn’t believe in evolution and most of the rest don’t really understand genetics, we can go with this vision of mutants.

Lesson #3: Red blinking lights are generally bad.

There are a few exceptions to this rule. For example, the same progressive red lights on Kitt in Knight Rider were good, but bad on the Cylons in Battlestar Gallactica. For the most part, however, red blinking lights mean a bomb or an evil android. If a light is any other color except red, and then turns red, it either means that something is about to explode or something has turned evil. A recent episode of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles indicated that even those skilled at bomb detection and disarming (indeed, those charged with saving the world) can be fooled into thinking that something with a blinking red light is a bomb. It’s a natural reaction. The lights are especially bad if they blink, but even a steady red light should indicate that there may be trouble ahead.  If only Dave in 2001 had heeded the red-light warning about Hal before it was too late. In general, if confronted with a red blinking light or a light which changes from any other color to red, first see lesson #2 (loot any dead bodies around you to arm yourself) and then run.  This especially applies to stop lights and brake lights.

Lesson #2: Looting corpses is a crucial survival skill.

This is one of the most important lessons of the media. It is abound in television and films. Whenever someone dies, one must search the body for important goods, primarily weapons and ammunition. At a minimum, one must pickup a gun from the dead body. This applies to all sorts of people, especially police officers, FBI agents, and criminals. However, I believe television is trying to tell me that if I end up in a situation where I’m around a dead body, it’s best to pick up a gun regardless of who I am. It’s better to be safe than sorry, but that’s a different lesson. Even cute little WALL-E looted items off the corpses of his dead robot counterparts to survive in the post-apocalyptic world.

The media considers this such an important lesson that it created training programs to teach us the gravity of remembering to pick up items from dead bodies, namely video games. In video games, people are scored on their ability to scavenge from the dead. We practice this so unrelentingly that we hopefully will remember to do it in a real crisis situation. In video games we learn that the dead do not just have ammunition and guns, but also food, diaries that help explain crazy events, strange pills and syringes, money, tools, magic potions, and even tape recorders. The next time that I find myself in a chaotic, near-death experience, I know who to find for help: The guy who scored highest in Bioshock.

Don't kill a Little Sister in Bioshock! But if you do, you can loot her.