Monthly Archives: May 2012

Lesson #15: People with facial hair are probably evil.

This lesson is long overdue. I must credit this one to the original Star Trek series and to Spock specifically, unless any of you have a precursor to the “Mirror, Mirror “ episode from 1967.  In general, facial hair denotes evil.  Just look at the devil, or Hitler. Moreover, well-groomed facial hair is somehow more sinister and calculating than its bushy counterpart.

Of course, there  have been many takes on this theme since the Star Trek crew was accidentally transported to an evil mirror universe during an ion storm.  In Fringe, Fauxlivia (the seemingly evil, but then maybe just misunderstood version of Olivia from an alternate universe) has red hair, compared to Olivia’s blonde hair. In South Park, the bearded Cartman from an alternate universe turns out to be the good Cartman, while the character we know is non-bearded and evil (’Spookyfish,”  1998).  In Futurama, Flexo is a questionably evil version of Bender, who looks and sounds just like Bender except for the addition of a goatee. It’s unclear which one is truly more evil. I’m sure that there are dozens of evil facial-haired villains out there I’m not remembering right now. Can you help?


Gimme your lessons!

Please tell me any lessons you’ve learned, or ones you’d like me to write about. I have a big list of ones to come, but more heads are always better than one (hmm, sounds like another lesson).

Lesson 14: He’s your brother.

Opps. Luke and Leia are a little too close here.

Are things going really well? Are you getting really into someone as lover or friend? Is there someone around you who you really hate? Were you tempted to shove him down the stairs? Be careful, because no matter what, he’s your brother. It may be a woman, but he’s still your brother.  Come on, you sensed that Luke was Leia’s brother.  Let Star Wars be the eternal cautionary tale about incest. Even The Killing stresses that you shouldn’t have sex with your boyfriend if you think he may be your brother.  Everyone wanted to kill the crazy, rapey, inmate who was loose in the space prison in Lockout. But, sure enough, he was kept alive since he was secretly the leader inmate’s brother.  Be suspicious that everyone out there may be your brother, and take necessary precautions.

So what did I miss? I’m sure there are a million more secret brother or sister stories out there. Comment people, comment!

Lesson 13: Love can save the universe.

Peter and Olivia from Fringe

Love usually does save the universe, as seen in two season finales this week: Fringe and Once Upon a Time. Love was unaccounted for by the Observers, and thus they didn’t see that Peter Bishop would be drawn back into existence when he was erased from time and space. Love had the power to change all of Olivia’s memories (and a little cortexiphan didn’t hurt).  The two of them specifically had to be together, due to Peter’s ability to see the other universe and Olivia’s ability to move between universes,  in order to save two universes. I don’t know how many universes total they’ve saved at this point, but it keeps expanding. The message, of course, is one from fairy tales. Love conquers all.

The cast of Once Upon a Time

Once Upon a Time made this message as explicit as it has ever been. However, it seems these fairy tale characters are not too bright. They were told again and again that love breaks any curse. Explicitly. In those words.  And in other words,  true love’s kiss breaks any curse. Yet, when the little boy was cursed and could potentially die, neither of his mothers thought to kiss him. Nor did his teacher and grandmother, Snow White. No, they needed to go fight a dragon to get a bottle of true love. Why? I’m not sure. Did they not think they loved their kid? In the end, his biological mother, Emma, kissed him. Not only the curse on Henry was lifted, but also the curse on the entire land. True love really is that powerful.